Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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