She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
