so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
