I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
