What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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