I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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