somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
