I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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