Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
