Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
