Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
