The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I pour the whiskey from now on
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
All the doctor said was why
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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