You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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