Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
sarcasm needs its own font
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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