I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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