ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
