I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
