I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
