my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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