I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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