Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
