Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
