Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
