I feel great
I just peed on a car
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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