Please, let me fuck your mom
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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