Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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