his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
