two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
