Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
