surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
