According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
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I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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