I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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