Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
