what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
