One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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