I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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