Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
