i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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