Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
