The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
