By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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