I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
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Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
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He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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