Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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