I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
