Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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