btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
