I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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