textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
