i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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