So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
