He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
