Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
