So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
