Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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