I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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