She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
