Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Randomize
