My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
