i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
