Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
