I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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