Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
