So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just puked most of my soul out..
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
